It’s early February here (last week the wind chill was 50 degrees BELOW ZERO – FYI) and I’m still battling with my Meniere’s flare up. My journey, and the weather, has been a rollercoaster lately. I have days full of gratitude and hope, and days full of suffering and despair.
Since New Years Eve I’ve had four menieres attacks with severe vertigo. Where I was bedridden between 8-16 hours unable to move on my own because of the jumpy-eyed vertigo (which is the worst) along with vomiting, etc. During these episodes, I need someone to be with me because I can’t make it to the bathroom on my own, get food or water or basically anything that involves seeing or walking. So it’s pretty much the nurse (husband) or the ER during those attacks.
I also had a strong reaction to prednisone (a steroid I was given to try and recover hearing after one of my attacks) which left me on the superhighway to Anxiety-ville. I was truly struggling with anxiety, sludging through the daily, trying desperately to make sense of why this was happening, what was the point of it and despairing over how or if I’d get past this struggle. I have spent moments literally shaking with fear worrying that another attack was close. I’ve now rubbed my feet together so often laying here in bed struggling with anxiousness that I gave myself a blister on one of my feet.
On the flip side I’ve had days where I could have dance parties in the hall at home because I was having a great day. I’ve put together 4 puzzles (and counting) with my husband to try and pass the time. I was able to attend a beautiful wedding. I felt good enough to go to several of my step-sons basketball games, which I love. I’ve read motivational books, listened to podcasts, and eaten up the other motivation things I could to give me the teeniest bit of light in the dark. I’m still working every day, and focusing on giving it 100% everyday.
I’ve done better reaching out to resources for physicians (asking for second opinions), putting a action plan in place with a trusted general physician, made an appointment to talk to a therapist that deals with people with chronic illnesses, leaning on family and friends and trying to not feel guilty for “unloading” my burdens. I’ve shared my deepest fears with husband and he has been my absolute rock and nurse all at the same time. I’m actively speaking and posting about what I’m going through so that it doesn’t grow in my head like the gremlin that fear and anxiety can be.
I am writing this post so that I can look back in the next few days/weeks/months/years and see how far I’ve come… because I believe I will continue to find my way through this and find the secret sauce that works for me to manage this disease. I look forward to those days and the posts I will make when I’m basically killin’ it and this season turns out to be a valuable season of learning, growth, strength, perseverance, grace, humility, acceptance…. all the lessons!
Yesterday was a hard day. I was in bed almost all day with vertigo. However, today… was a better day. Not a 100%, but I could do a little jig walking down the hallway, put in a good day of work, do all the essentials I need to do to take care of myself, and refill my hope bucket just a little bit. So, I’ve gotten it all down – and now I’m going to start a new puzzle and work on filling up my hope bucket for the hard days.