Okay, so here’s the deal. We all spend a lot of time at work. During this time we need to be vibrant and excited members of the working community. This is accomplished through soda, coffee, donuts… and whatever other treats we can find.
So, the natural course of things that happen after consuming the beverages that lead to the awesomeness… is that we need to go to the bathroom. WE. Meaning everyone.
The process goes like this:
- Walk to the bathroom
- Make eye contact that seems to be walking in the same general direction
- Walk faster… if you get their first… you are higher up in the bathroom hierarchy
- Bathroom hierarchy and actual work hierarchy do not relate. If you beat the VP to the bathroom, you win…
- Do not hold the door open for the person behind you
- Holding the door open acknowledges that they are going to the bathroom too, which is not allowed
- Immediately pick the stall in the middle, preferably not close to any other occupied stalls. If the stalls are occupied, then choose the stall that keeps you from walking past all the other stalls.
- If you happen to walk in to an empty bathroom (sweet hallelujah)… the WORST possible thing is to get all comfy, then someone else walks in.
- Murphy’s law… if you are pooping… this will always happen to you.
- You cannot save yourself by trying to move the process along faster… it will only cause you discomfort and probably lead to unflattering noises escaping JUST as the next person is opening the door… so the noise might actually leave the bathroom.
- Waiting game… you can try to wait out the bathroom intruder. This leads to a lot of awkward silence.
- Once again, we all go to the bathroom. The awkward silence (we are talking crickets silence) should be a CLEAR indicator to the other person that serious work is about to follow and they should leave… immediately.
- Russian Roulette Waiting Game… you are BOTH waiting… silently for the other person to give up and leave. It really depends here who has a stronger will to win. Sometimes time constraints will force one person to throw in the towel and give up. This is a sign of someone that is not committed to their own cause. Obviously.
- The person that does give up… should then graciously… and QUICKLY… wash their hands and vacate the bathroom. Standing there to fix your hair, pick at your teeth, adjust your outfit… is just cruel and you will get your come-up-ins if you do such things. Probably in the form of a mid-meeting bathroom attack so severe you aren’t sure if you can actually walk to the bathroom without incident.
- You’ve been warned.
- The last thing is the victory walk back to your cube. You’ve done your duty (literally) and can now go about your business as usual. Normally there is a little bounce in our step…
- Bounce in your step if you were the winner
- If you were the loser and had to give up and are still unaccomplished in that area… it’s more like a humiliation shuffle.
- I know these are all common sense things… but still people refuse to acknowledge the common courtesy that comes with the public bathroom.