iPhone Upgrade

Dear Apple,

During your next upgrade, I would like to suggest a CSB App. Community Shared Boyfriend. An app that does things that you specifically need a man for. For example, lifting heavy objects or changing the oil on a car. If the logistics of extendable arms to do the lifting isn’t an option, then perhaps some kind of boyfriend farm? A request can be put in for whatever type of duty might be needed… and a CSB would show up between 4-6 hours to do whatever heavy lifting was required.

They probably shouldn’t have the ability to think for themselves, they will obviously malfunction and end up damaged. Operator error, most certainly. They should respond with simple “yes”, “no”, or “anything for you, your majesty”… those would all be appropriate responses. Wait, scratch the “no”. That really never needs to leave their lips.

While we are considering the farm option, perhaps we could have different breeds of them? Some blonde, some brunette, some tall, some short… Maybe that is the 2nd generation farm… once their free will and any opposition has been beaten out of them. I think this app should probably be pretty reasonably priced… as a rollout special. Maybe even a two-for-one special.

Probably for this first release, we should keep the requests to a minimum list of 10 or so pre-determined tasks.  Requests can be submitted for future upates, but to avoid misuse of the CSBs, some limitations will have to be put into place. 

Pre determined task list:

  1. Lift heavy objects
  2. Car maintenance
  3. Anything involving a high ladder
  4. Killing small rodents (not children… actual furry rodents)
  5. Back massages (there will have to be extensive training on this at the farm)
  6. Driving in the snow/sleet/rain/night/whenever the user doesn’t want to
  7. Follow up to 6. would be that they will also drop you off at the door and park 7.2 miles away from the mall when necessary.  Carry bags while shopping.  Fetch car at the end of the shopping excursion.  Not comment on the weight, cost, or quality of the items purchased.
  8. Arm Candy (upgrade if they have to impress ex-boyfriends, etc as they will have to probably talk for this one… which might be tricky)
  9. Mow lawn (while it’s hot, with a tank top and jeans… he should probably make his lemonade first… the purchaser might carry it out to him… but it’s doubtful)
  10. Body armor (in the unfortunate event the CSB is purchased by someone suffering from PMS, menopause, cheating-boyfriend disorder, or anything else that might cause them to stab, shoot, or maim the CSB)

Note:  Probably a good idea to offer insurance on the CSB.  Just in case.

I would be happy to work with your research and development team if they needed any guidance. I am sure they are mostly men which means they clearly wouldn’t know the first thing about what the average female purchaser of this app really wants.

Regards, Ingrid

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