Outside of the Inside

Just a tip of the iceberg as to reasons I am not drinking right now:

Inside jokes, outside jokes:

Jokes that were told to me or by me while I was drunk enough to think it was amazingly clever.  However, later when sober and the joke is told in return… I have no idea what the hell is going on.  For example:  Showing up at a bar and having the bartender wink and say “are you shining your monkey?” My response to this was to laugh and say “yes… no… yes… no… i’m confused.”  He just smiles and winks again.  Still so confused.  Then I say, I’ve been playing a lot of xbox 360… his response “ahh… so not shining your monkey… playing with your box”.  Now i’ve decided the monkey comment must have been dirty and I must have at some point known what the hell it meant.  Sober, I had no clue what the hell he was talking about and to this day have no clue.

Make out-er / Make out-ee

Spotting someone at a beer tent that looks intimately familiar, for reasons that escape you.  You know when you make eye contact with someone and they seem to recognize you vaguely and you have the same feeling.  It’s a fuzzy feeling that makes you wonder if you maybe made out with them once, or maybe a close friend made out with them, or maybe you made out with their friend.  You spend the rest of the evening staring at them trying to remember, which causes them to return the stare and also wonder if they know you from somewhere.  Sometimes, when they finally get the nerve to cross the tent and ask, they come into focus and you realize they are totally unfamiliar and you suddenly look at them as if they have ugly warts on their face and demand what they are looking at (the same reaction would be appropriate if you did remember them and then remembered why you tried to forget them.)

Text Amnesia

The morning after a rip roaring good time when you cringe while looking at the history on your phone.  Starting with the people who you swore you would never speak to again, but apparently were your BFF’s last night.  Then go with the people that you have to send apology messages to because of A) your mean message B) your offer of naughty things C) your mean message with the naughty message isn’t answered D) your message that makes absolutely no sense because autocorrect screwed you over E) all of the above.

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