Girlie Pains

Seriously, being a girl is overrated sometimes.

Today, for instance, would be one of those days.

I wake up thinking today is going to be a pain-free-ish kind of day.  It starts off as such, until I stand upright.  Then my uterus begins its monthly routine of trying to claw its way out of my body.  I believe most people are familiar with the movie Alien with Sigourney Weaver?  Yeah, like that.  If I fill my alien ovaries and uterus with chocolate and Cheetos, it seems to settle down enough to just grumble and contemplate its next spree of havoc and destruction.

Unfortunately while my Uterus is taking a time-out from chaos, my back remembers that it is the time of the month where it should completely cramp up and remind me that people who can walk upright and lay down without being in the fetal position are lucky bastards who deserve to be stabbed in the feet, repeatedly.

While all this is going on… the blood vessels in my head have shrunken up and become shriveled little veins o’ pain.  I have a constant headache for days on end and when I look at people they sometimes flinch.  I believe it’s because I am somewhat close to Cyclopse from Xmen at this point and am beginning to have laser pointers for eyes.

During all this I take enough ibprofin, midol and elephant tranquilizers to sedate an entire country of terrorists.  However, my body only recognizes it as a tiny little army of midget pain killers and the mutant alien uterus consumes them for a tasty snack.

The only bright spot in this monthly war that is being waged inside my body is that as long as this war continues, that means my body isn’t creating a devilish spawn that would intensify all these symptoms and cause me not to drink for 9 months.  So, I do have that going for me.  No devil spawn.  Yay. *weak fist pump*

If only my mutant alien godzilla-like woman parts would use their power for good or something.  Hell would probably literally freeze over… and become one GIANT skinny cow ice cream sandwich.  Mmmmm… Chocolate moo sandwich.

Don’t judge me.

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