Hi-larious

So, I begin my Saturday with a really nice country drive back to my house.  I grab a coffee and a piece of banana bread at Starbucks.  I had earlier made a joke that I would make out with the Starbucks person because I was so excited about getting coffee.  I followed it up with, “last time it was an old lady though”.  Sure enough, two ladies working.  I ALMOST had them pose for a picture with me… but they just didn’t seem like they would find that humorous.  Plus, by the time I got done explaining the whole situation and posing for the picture, it would have lost its luster.

I get home, drink my whole cup of coffee and promptly take a 3 hour nap.  Glad coffee works so well for me :)  I then start getting ready for my day/night.  Blues Fest is at Dodgeville that evening, so I get ready and throw on a fun little outfit.  I know that my cousin, Carmen is working the beer tent from 3-5 and I’d like to see her.  I leave my house after a 3 mile walk around 1:00.

As I start driving I notice that my phone is neurotically taking pictures of nothing.  Like a button is stuck.  Then I notice that it looks like some moisture got in the phone.  Well ugh.  On the way out of town I stop at a US Cellular store.  After a long and obnoxious call with the Insurance people for the phone I learn a valuable lesson… Do NOT tell the truth when you get moisture damage.  Sweat is not covered.  I should have said I fell into a creek while I walked, or was attacked by a madman who sprayed me down for no reason, or I entered (and obviously won) a wet t-shirt contest.  NOT… I went walking with my phone and it was so hot (and I’m so outta shape) that I worked up enough of a sweat to permanently damage my phone.  Neat.

So I buy a new phone… well a new, slightly used phone.  The US Cellular rep offers to loan me a flip phone for about 3 days while I decide what to do.  I explain to him that is unacceptable… “But, how else will I be able to update my friends on the discontent about this situation if I do not have access to facebook on my Phone?”  He stares at me… I stare back at him.  I win the impromptu staring contest and take my phone and go about my day.

After all this I still have not had lunch, but decide that Mom always has nummy stuff at her house.  I love my mom’s house.  It always has snacks, soda and a clean bed for me if I need it.  Ho Ho’s and Diet Pepsi’s are good for the soul.  So is my Mommy.  Anyways, I get to her house finally.  No one is around. I immediately grab a soda, a cheese triangle and a bag of tostitos and start stuffing my face full of chips and cheese.  I’m sure if someone saw me they would think I was practicing for a “who can stuff the most chips in the face in 30 seconds”… contest.

My Mom calls my cell phone… here’s how the conversation goes:

  • Mom: Where are you?
  • Ingrid: At your house eating your food.  Where are you?
  • Mom: Oh, I’m with all the girls (aunts and cousins) at the Cook’s Room downtown (dodgeville).  We just got done eating.
  • Ingrid:  Well, that’s cool since I’m practically starving.  Thanks for the heads up.  I’m going back to eating your food now.
  • Mom: Well now I feel bad.  Come down here and we will sit with you while you eat lunch.
  • Ingrid:  Fine, see you in a minute.  Did you know I had to buy a new phone today because boob sweat isn’t covered under cell phone insurance??? DUMB!!
  • <My step Dad rounds the corner and looks like he’d rather shove a screw driver into his eardrum than hear anymore of this conversation and looks relieved that I’m going out immediately again>

I finally make it to the lunch that I wasn’t invited to with the people who didn’t invite me. This is how that conversation goes…

  • Ingrid: Hey guys
  • Everyone else: Hey Ingrid!  We were wondering when you would get here!
  • Ingrid: That’s funny, since I wasn’t invited.
  • Everyone else: Well, we were WAITING for you to call!
  • Ingrid:  <stares at them all incredulously>   Are you serious right now?
  • Everyone else: Yeah, well we kept wondering why you hadn’t called.  We kept checking our phones and saying “I wonder why Ingrid hasn’t messaged any of us yet”
  • I want to make a note that there is my Mom, 2 Aunts and 2 Cousins… all of which have my cell phone number.  All of which are checking their phones for a message from me.  YET… no one actually sends me a message.  But I digress.
  • Ingrid: Alright well I’ll get a menu.
  • Mom: Cool, I’ll sit with you… but then I’m going home to take a nap… It’s been a long day of shopping!  We started at 10:00am!
  • Ingrid: <incredulous AGAIN> Where was the invitation for the shopping?  What the hell is going on here today?
  • Mom: Well, great… now I feel bad.  Wait, wait… I’ll pay for your lunch!  Is that better?   Have I made amends?
  • Ingrid:  Well, I FRICKEN GUESS SO.
  • Mom:  You’re going to blog about this… aren’t you.
  • Ingrid:  Hell yeah, I am.

Some of the Family Lunch Misfits


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