Here’s the thing.  I’ve been working for a while now.  Many different industries, with all different levels of employees from executives to production employees.  That’s hundreds of unique individuals.  However, there are some basic groupings that people fall into.

The Arguer

You aren’t quite sure what they actually do.  Their talent lies in contracting everything that happens around them.  By email, phone or in person.  I was going to say they spend their time thinking of ways to undermine your opinion or idea, but that would imply there was a high level of intelligence involved in this kind of arguing.  This is not the case.  This is the, “stop touching me”, “you touched it last”, “i can’t hear you”… kind of arguing.  The kind that makes you actually stop in the middle and wonder if shaking the other person or stabbing them with a fork would somehow alter their reality back to you know… this universe.

The Road Runner

This is the person who is frantically moving.  At all times.  Walking fast, talking fast, eating fast.  Never has time to do anything or follow-up on something at that moment, but will get to it as soon as they have time.  The thing about this person is most of the time they are hurrying because the game they were playing on their cell phone only pauses for 8 seconds before resuming and if they don’t get back in time, the alien sunflowers will cross the field and eat the gnome babies.  That, would be truly tragic. 

The Gossip Girl

Not as in the hip new TV series where they are all in high school/college and super important things are discussed like relationships, std’s and parties.  Oh wait… it is just like that but based on less fact, regarding older people, and done more maliciously than accidentally.  Oh yeah, and it could actually have a seriously detrimental impact on your livelihood, aka pay check.  However, the gossiper has little idea of consequences of their actions or they would obviously think twice about gossiping about some of their fellow coworkers.  You gossip about 1 wrong person and the next thing you know you are hog tied, in the middle of a pig farm with nothing but a tooth pick and a mocking garden gnome to keep you company.  Even James Bond would struggle with that one.

The Good Ol’ Boy

The person that goes around all day clapping other people on the back and checking on how everyone is doing.  This person also frequently brings treats and picks up lunch and happy hour tabs.  This is a very strategic move.  To point out this person’s obvious status of oxygen robber of other people would mean no donuts or martini’s for you.  This weighs heavily enough on most people’s minds to not say anything.  However be warned, if zombie ninjas were chasing a group… they would probably get tripped and left behind.  Just saying.

The 50/50

This is where I feel like most people fall into.  They are the ones that do just enough work to appear and actually be semi productive, however they do not do more work than necessary.  This would result in the “reward” of more work for the same pay.  This person also gets cookies and other treats sometimes, but they are treats born of guilt for not rewarding them for their efforts.  However, that guilt is misplaced since that person can sometimes be found checking facebook on their phone or blogging…


These are the people who truly keep the company alive.  They are the people who come in and thrive to do their job.  They are constantly moving and producing enough for all of the above classifications of people do not go extinct (unemployed).  They are the ones working weekends when they are salaried and actually proactively addressing problems instead of running around with a gas mask, fire extinguisher and cap screaming “THE SKY IS FALLING”.  This person is bothered by this excess display of emotion and shuts their door to continue their conference call.  These are good friends to have.  They will buy your lunch when you miraculously find yourself (all other classifications) replaced by a monkey or in some cases a stoned sloth… in the next few years.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s