As I sit getting my hair did and entertaining the ladies of the salon with my worldly adventures and sexcapades. I make the statement, “I’d much rather focus on the potential of a situation rather than reality”.
Let me then say that this explains many of the disappointing and awkward experiences that I’ve had.
Including, but not limited to:
– Blind dates: I had a 3 hour blind date at pizza hut once. I wouldn’t lie about this. Even the girl folding forks in a napkin felt sorry for me. Probably because I was looking longingly at the fork wondering how hard I would have to stab him with it to make him stop talking.
– One night stands: There is a reason they remain one night stands. If they were that great, you would not mind seeing them again. As it happens, you hope you didn’t give them your number and refer to yourself in the 3rd person by the wrong name the next morning, just to throw them off.
– Multiple night stands: This just shows that sometimes we don’t learn from history. If something that should have stayed a one night stand, becomes a multiple night stand… there comes a point when you either are really into awkward situations or you drink too much and keep forgetting which penises you have seen.
– Ya cant buy love, but if the fella cant buy you a dollar cheeseburger now… the odds are not in your favor that he will ever do that nasty four letter word… “work”. Or the longer and much more hard to pronounce, “responsibility”.
– I dont think further clarification is necessary.
– $8 will get you 3 hours of sweaty dancing plus 3 hours of airconditioning when they split whilst gettin it low… Maybe leading to a one night stand. This is a true story. It did in fact split from the middle of the butt (right smack dab between the pockets) all the way down to the middle of my right hamstring.
I had enough booze in me to know this was not appropriate, not enough booze to do anything besides wrap a sweater around my waist and continue shakin it like a polaroid picture. I did get a boys number that night. I did not call him back. I didn’t trust the judgement of someone (him) who liked someone else with such poor problem solving skills (me)
-In combination with walmart jeans and a blind date and you’ve got the “Perfect Storm” of potential. Have you seen the movie? Pssssst… They all die. Even the cute ones. It’s quite tragic really.
– Anything that has a rhyme that ends in “FLOOR”… Probably not a good idea. Now if it was: one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, YACHT… Pass the bottle, Jose. However that is not the case. Unless you want to end up naked, on the floor, and most likely waking up wondering where the hell you are… avoidance is key here.
Throw the shot over your shoulder if you have to. Check first. It is hazardous to your health to throw shots on large ugly people. Hot people… throw it on them… then of course lick it off. You aren’t a barbian, you have manners.
Body cavity searches
– The person searching you will not be cute, of the opposite sex, or impressed with your witty humor and snazzy matching undergarments. They will be unisex and large. It is important not to end up in any situations where body cavity searches are required. Do not joke about drugs going through the airport security line, outside the state capital or any other public place where security are stationed with large plastic wands.
– Worth a repeat… Just sayin. And just like real relationships, repeating it doesn’t make it better.