Facebook: The Devil

Scenario 1: The Ski Mask

I think it is seriously the gateway for all stalkers around the world.  I have spent more time than I will ever admit looking for and about people on Facebook.

You meet someone you would like to know more about, you know they are friends with John Doe, who is friends with Sally Smith, who is the cousin of Cletus.  You are friends with Cletus only because you went to high school together and deleting him for a 7th time seems overly offensive.

So, you look at Cletus’ page and find Sally’s page.  Sally does not have her privacy settings very high, silly Sally.  You look through her friends list and some of her pictures, judging just a bit that she hasn’t seemed to seen a hair stylist since the 80’s.  You find John Doe.  John Doe has very high privacy settings… rats.

You see that John Doe has another mutual friend with you!  Score!  It’s Joe Bob.  Joe Bob has some of the same friends so you look through his friends list.  Eureka, you find the mystery person you are looking for.

You send a friend request.

You spend the next day or so analyzing why this person hasn’t accepted your friend request yet.  They obviously must get the notification on their phone, I mean who doesn’t?  Cavemen, probably!  If he isn’t going to answer, then he is obviously a caveman and he can suck… WAIT… ACCEPTED!  Oh, he’s so dreamy.

Now you can go about the real stalking.  Starting with profile pictures, looking back on their wall at least 6 months.  Make note of frequent posters who you kindly refer to as Hoe Harriet, Slutty Suzy and Buttface Betty.  You memorize their names so when Buttface or Hoe writes something you can further analyze their intentions.

All this without the victim even knowing they’ve been the victim of a stage 7 million stalking spree.  In the 70’s, this kind of aggressive “information finding” would be rewarded with a restraining order.

Now you high five your friends and declare yourself the next Sherlock Holmes.

Scenario 2: Work Rules

Here’s the thing about accepting work people.  This seems like a great idea until the person you accepted brings up that unfortunate beer bong, minus tshirt, plus nipple tassle thing at the next board meeting.

This is where it is SUPER important to have a limited profile for all work people.

You never know when a case of the flu is going to be explained the next day by the keg stand you are seen doing at your under age cousins house.  Followed by the picture of you making out with one of the party goers who may or may not be of an age that would make that appropriate or legal.

Lets say then that at some point someone notices an acquaintances son or daughter on your page.  The above stalking techniques come into play and you have no clue this is happening.  You have been a party to backpack stalking.  Someone using you to stalk someone else that you hardly know, however they make random cameos in your photos.

What good is a status update if you can’t vent about the rotten crotch monkey that you work with and the horrible attitude they have and their horrible wardrobe?  Exactly, you might as well just delete the account now and go back to actually calling your friends to explain to them in detail what happened.  Your phone does not have spell check for your voice, so you might have to sound out the big phrases like, “vicious life sucking baboon”.

There is the obvious draw back of anyone in human resources getting ahold of anything on your page.  It’s hard enough to facebook through your phone most of the day because the actual site is blocked on your computer (RUDE)… but to get fired too would totally suck.

Scenario 3: Parents

My Dad is routinely reminding me that he can see my facebook.  I know this.  I do not have early onset alzheimers.  I know I added him and he is there.  It bothers me that he doesn’t think that I already sensor things to some extent because of that.  I’m sure it bothers him to think that I do, and the end result still makes him shudder.

The funny thing is that most of the things I say on facebook, I would totally say to him in person, just maybe less colorful with less adjectives.  I might use, “idiot” instead of “fucking ass hat”.  But really they mean the same thing.

The last time my Dad referred to me as his crazy little daughter (not really the way to address someone you believe has any kind of mentally instability, BTW)… it was in reference to some recent facebook posts.

1) I cannot be held accountable for anything posted during or after any event where booze in involved.  Booze makes me believe that 76% of what comes out of my mouth is the most hilarious thing ever and that it is all my friend’s wildest wet dream to get to share in the hilarity of that moment.

2) Even I have no clue what the hell I was talking about the next day.

3) You become my Facebook friend at your own risk.  I may tag you places that you aren’t actually at… if you really set me off I might tag you at visions… explain that to your wife.  I might blog about you (Jason).  I might vaguely refer to you, in a not so very vague way.  This would also upset my Dad because he obviously doesn’t realize it’s a joke.  Yup, I’m more worried about explaining it to my Dad than your wife.  Your wife doesn’t weigh what I’ve done around christmas or birthday time and calculate presents with that knowledge.

4) Remember I derive ultimate pleasure in screwing with people in a non violent manner.  It might totally ruin you for life in some ways that will be hashed out with a therapist later, but like soap in a sock… the damage is not visible.  As my Dad continually tells me the many ways in which I negatively impacted my sister’s psyche.

5) I’d like to pretend like I’m sorry for the above things, but that would just be a lie… and I’m allergic to lying.  Sorry Dad.


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