Mom-ventures

So my Mother comes to pick me up today to take me to the doctor because she knows I’m in pain and medicated and wants to help… let’s be real, it’s also just a good excuse to get out of work.

She brings me lunch with a cookie for dessert. All good things. I’m telling her my impatience with a relationship situation and she tells me a story which I have never heard before about how her engagement actually came about.  Let’s just say I was actually crying I was laughing so hard by the time she was finished.

We go to my first appointment which goes smoothly and very fast. They send me over to the hospital to rule out a blood clot in the lung.  They make the appointment and Mom and I head over there.  I’m glad she is there because I’ve never had a CT before and I appreciate the support.  I register when I get to the hospital and the lady insists that I take the “Living Will” information with me… to read up on it and fill it out.

Have I mentioned I have anxiety?  Now I’ve decided this is obviously a risky procedure and no one is going to tell me the truth.  I WILL NOT fill out the living will.  I won’t drink the koolaid.  Bitches.

We wait in the waiting room forever. Long enough that bored mamasita starts to reek havoc. About 57 minutes into our wait she picks up the sign next to her that says, “let the receptionist know if you’ve been waiting longer than 20 minutes”  and procedures to read the sign, out loud… at an excessive volume. To top it off, she is waving the sign around in the air while reading it like a mad woman. 

The gentleman behind the reception counter stares. I’m pretty sure his finger was poised above a panic button waiting to see what moms next move was.  He clears his throat and apologizes for the wait.  Mom’s eyes get really big and instead of addressing the man, turns to me and “whispers” (aka talks normally)… “I didn’t think he could hear me”.  I stare back at her and think… this is obviously what I have to look forward to when I’m older and I reconsider filling out the living will.

Mom, then sensing she has made a “oopsie” tries to blame it on her low blood sugar.  Which is bullshit, I’ve already offered her a piece of candy at least 3 times and she blatantly refuses.  I think she likes to be a little cranky.  She states that she is fine “for now”, but if 6:00 rolls around and we are still in the waiting room she will be on the floor thrashing around.  Yup, thrashing.  Who says that?  Now the receptionist fella seems to be making some kind of hurried phone calls in an urgent whisper.  I’m sure this is where they are trying to double-check which one of us is actually getting the CT Scan.

I start commenting about the living will again, because it’s obviously pissing me off that they even gave it to me.  Don’t they know I’m sensitive to these kinds of real or imaged methods of persuasion?  Mom then decides it’s time to tell me that she has a living will and the only thing it doesn’t cover is Alzheimer’s.  If she gets that, I’m supposed to just walk her out onto the highway and be done with it. 

Seriously.

I start laughing again.  WTF is wrong with my Mom.  Her reasoning is that she doesn’t want to be that person that takes the turkey out every day thinking it is Thanksgiving only to have someone else put it back when they tell her it is not.  The funniest thing about this argument is that I think she is more upset that someone would get so many opportunities to tell her no… than about the actual Alzheimer’s itself.

She states, “well you know, I just don’t want to be one of those people walking around not knowing what is going on around them”
I reply, “which is so different from now because….?”
She replies, “whatever, you know it’s that damn dilexia”
I almost choke laughing… “wrong… (choke, grab chest, laugh)… word…”
She crosses her arms, “you know what the hell I mean”

 Then I get called back to the CT Scan room… impeccable timing.  I get up and point sternly to Mom… “Be good”.

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