Flu Swab

Have you ever had a flu swab?  If the answer is no, you are a lucky lucky duck.


First of all, if you are having this procedure done, you already feel like donkey butt.  The only reason you are considering any kind of swab is to rule out the possibility of the plague, bird flu or some kind of terminal cold that was started by a monkey in Africa and will be the new pandemic.  The doctor offers this swab non-chalantly as if it was an everyday kind of swab. 


You know, like strep: open mouth, say ahhhhhhhhhhh, try not to throw up on nurse, close mouth, curse nurse, wait for culture to grow into something that will hopefully earn you some kind of antibiotic-type relief.


Well, here is the catch… first when they come in with the flu swab, the nurse looks at you all sad.  You’re not sure why.  Do you look that pathetic?  Does she know something you don’t?  Then she puts down the tools.  The doctor then comes in and sits directly in front of you, really close.  They pull out what looks to be a mummification tool.  You know, that long thing they used to stick up mummies noses to scramble their brains and pull them back out through the nose… yeah like that.  You can’t believe that is the swab tool so you pretend to ignore it. 


Now the doctor looks at you all sad.  You know at that moment that she is going to mummi-f*ck your nose with that utensil.  You’re screwed.  She calmly states that this is going to hurt a little… isn’t that what all felons say before they go to prison?   She says it will take 10 seconds of swabbing to get a good swab.  What the shit is that?  You start to back up and realize her chair is on wheels, while yours is planted firmly in place.  Tricky bastards! 


She grabs the back of your head and proceeds to violate your nose, side of your eye, and begin to tickle your brain with the “swab”.  You count to 10 calmly in your mind… “1, 2, 10… 10… 10!!!!!”  She doesn’t stop.  After what seems like an eternity, she dislodges the swab-o-mummy-brain from your nose.  On the way by you are pretty sure your eye twitches and your knee hurts.  Great, she has permanently damaged something.  She calmly packs up all her things while you are doing memory tests on yourself to make sure you didn’t end up all Jason Bourne, not knowing who you are and with ninja skills.  No such luck, you just have a lot of snot and an itchy brain.


Let’s just say that after you go through all that, that swab had BETTER be positive.  There is no reason a person should have to risk the rupture of a brain noodle so someone can tell you, nope… “you don’t have the flu, it’s just a virus, we can’t give you anything, but thanks for letting me molest your brain through your nose for 10 seconds, it really improved my day”.


Note:  My test was negative.  I will most likely die from the flu before allowing someone to do that to me again.  Unless they come up with some kind of sedation-swabbing, I’m out.


14 thoughts on “Flu Swab

    • I’ve seen videos of this procedure! Nothing like what happened to me today!! As if that wasn’t enough, nurse gave me shot of toradol in arm!! Now I’m brainless and paralyzed!! And nothing helped diagnose me. No flu! I hope tomorrow I wake up, and it’s just a dream!! I’ll die next time before being abused!!!

  1. I had the flu… but I swear that lady stuck me too hard because right to this day a week in a half later I have a thick scratch inside my nose it hurts very bad

  2. Yes! I just went through this today only to find out I was negative as well. I found this while googling to see if the nurse actually did it correctly and whether or not it’s still suppose to hurt 8 hours later! Never again!

  3. I called the hospital back after 5 days of pain all on the one side. I thought she punctured something, or gave me an infection. The lady at the emergency station said it is a sterile object that comes out of a sealed package. I said, yes I know, but then before it gets shoved up my nose it passes through the air of the hospital. She had the nerve to not confirm that possibility. Never again folks….

  4. That is the most hilarious flu swab story I’ve ever heard! LOL
    My daughter And I just did the swab test yesterday in Celebration, FL at the emergency room and it hurt!
    I’m 26 years old and I cried thinking she poked my brain now one side is damaged. That’s what’s going in my head lll but my 7 year old took it like a champ! Lol
    Anyways..it came out positive :( I kinda knew and felt it was the flu but was hoping not. But we got tarmiflu and we will be better! Thank god we catch it in time.
    Don’t EVER ignore flu symptoms. It’s a killer
    Once I had trouble breathing and my chest felt like it was caving in I rushed to the hospital. Nobody please ignore flu symptoms they can kill a person.

  5. Had it done today decided to look it up on Google and yeah I agree with the author. not doing it again . I don’t care what kind of fluid is I’m not getting at swab test

  6. So brutall, but oh so true! I had nose swabs done today – yes plural. Not sure why she could not have done both nostrils at once. It could not have been twice as bad. After the first one I must have been in shock to have let her assault me again.. He hand coming toward me was in slow motion but I was powerless to stop her advance. They ended up doing a chest X-Ray as well, but that seemed redundant in a way. I am sure the nasal strip went far enough through my body to reach my lungs to take a biopsy. I missed that day in school when they sang. “Your nose is connected to lungs…” I did test positive for influenza B, but at what price? Even though your experience happened years ago I am certain it is still etched both figuratively and literally into your brain. “Hello. My name is John and I am a flu swab survivor”.

  7. I had the swab yesterday and am sure the nurse caused some sort of permanent sinus damage, not to mention brain penetration! Thanks for the article, laughed to the point of tears I could relate so much. I was worried my nurse didn’t know what she was doing and went too high, but I guess I’m glad to read this is normal… P.S. Mine was negative too.

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