Have you ever had a flu swab? If the answer is no, you are a lucky lucky duck.
First of all, if you are having this procedure done, you already feel like donkey butt. The only reason you are considering any kind of swab is to rule out the possibility of the plague, bird flu or some kind of terminal cold that was started by a monkey in Africa and will be the new pandemic. The doctor offers this swab non-chalantly as if it was an everyday kind of swab.
You know, like strep: open mouth, say ahhhhhhhhhhh, try not to throw up on nurse, close mouth, curse nurse, wait for culture to grow into something that will hopefully earn you some kind of antibiotic-type relief.
Well, here is the catch… first when they come in with the flu swab, the nurse looks at you all sad. You’re not sure why. Do you look that pathetic? Does she know something you don’t? Then she puts down the tools. The doctor then comes in and sits directly in front of you, really close. They pull out what looks to be a mummification tool. You know, that long thing they used to stick up mummies noses to scramble their brains and pull them back out through the nose… yeah like that. You can’t believe that is the swab tool so you pretend to ignore it.
Now the doctor looks at you all sad. You know at that moment that she is going to mummi-f*ck your nose with that utensil. You’re screwed. She calmly states that this is going to hurt a little… isn’t that what all felons say before they go to prison? She says it will take 10 seconds of swabbing to get a good swab. What the shit is that? You start to back up and realize her chair is on wheels, while yours is planted firmly in place. Tricky bastards!
She grabs the back of your head and proceeds to violate your nose, side of your eye, and begin to tickle your brain with the “swab”. You count to 10 calmly in your mind… “1, 2, 10… 10… 10!!!!!” She doesn’t stop. After what seems like an eternity, she dislodges the swab-o-mummy-brain from your nose. On the way by you are pretty sure your eye twitches and your knee hurts. Great, she has permanently damaged something. She calmly packs up all her things while you are doing memory tests on yourself to make sure you didn’t end up all Jason Bourne, not knowing who you are and with ninja skills. No such luck, you just have a lot of snot and an itchy brain.
Let’s just say that after you go through all that, that swab had BETTER be positive. There is no reason a person should have to risk the rupture of a brain noodle so someone can tell you, nope… “you don’t have the flu, it’s just a virus, we can’t give you anything, but thanks for letting me molest your brain through your nose for 10 seconds, it really improved my day”.
Note: My test was negative. I will most likely die from the flu before allowing someone to do that to me again. Unless they come up with some kind of sedation-swabbing, I’m out.