Not like in the woods, on a branch. Like in your bathroom, on the kind of stick that lets you know if your life is over as you know it, or if you can celebrate with mass quantities of alcohol.
I’ve decided pregnancy sticks are for neurotic people like me that are sure that they are that special 1% that will miraculously get pregnant even though they meticulously take their birth control. You know, my parents always told me I was special… special enough to beat the odds of 99% effective? Maybe.
Since I’ve never been pregnant, I’m not sure what it feels like to become pregnant. Therefore anytime my girlie parts act up in a way that I’m unfamiliar with or not expecting, the obvious conclusion is that another organism has invaded my body and is growing in there. Because of these relatively rational reactions, I have for years bought pregnancy tests in 3 packs. I don’t know why you wouldn’t do that… ever.
If you are peeing on a stick it’s because you are either trying to get pregnant, or terrified you are pregnant. So, either way… you want to BE SURE. Which generally means more than one test. If it is positive, you will most likely pee on the remaining two just to be sure, and also call your doctor so they can check too. If it is negative, you will maybe not trust the first results… go drink more water… wait and pee on the stick and probably your hand… again. I have had friends who have laughed and even mocked this theory, until they found themselves staring at the first response boxes at Walgreens. It is also more cost effective to buy three, it really comes down to being a good consumer.
Recently they were on sale so I had to buy them! I noticed the 2 packs were on sale for $9.99. Even though it is just a pack of two, which goes against my normal “3” rule, it was a good deal. So I picked up a box of those, some candy and a soda. I go to the line at Walgreens and a middle aged fella steps into line behind me. The cashier rings up my items and the total seems a little high. I inquire as to the price of the pregnancy test… the gentleman behind me becomes enthralled by the gum next to the counter. The cashier can’t seem to find the coupon that brings that down to $9.99. I proceed to calmly argue that it said $9.99 on the box which is why I picked them up.
The gentleman takes another step back and becomes inexplicably interested in the magazines at the beginning of the register aisle. Finally the cashier just overrides the cost and sends me on my way with my $9.99, 2-pack. I get into the car and grab my soda out of the bag and realize that I’d actually grabbed a 3-pack. I start to giggle, not only had I gotten an inadvertent deal, but I’d also made 2 men very uncomfortable AND karma had wanted me to have a 3-pack. It was meant to be. I drove out of the Walgreens with a grin on my face and a box of 3 sanity keepers next to me.
Note: My mom wanted me to blog about this. I told her it might alarm my boyfriend. She thinks it is good for him to know I’m neurotic now, but she said it while stifling giggles over the phone. So, if I’m single later… I’m moving back in with my Mom and eating all her fudge bars to teach her a lesson.