Yesterday…

Frustration

 

There are some days when I can’t seem to get a hold of my frustration about the way things are going around me.  What do I do?  How can I make things better and make a difference now, so I am not feeling frustrated and like a passenger on a rollercoaster?  I don’t know.  I’m trying to weigh the pros and cons of where I have ended up and quite honestly some days the pros are winning the battle and other days all I can see and feel are the cons. 

 

Why can’t I be one of those happy carefree people that doesn’t worry about anything or think excessively about things they cannot change?  I want to know why things are happening and what drives people to do the things they do.  When mistakes are made, I practically demand immediate corrective action.  I know I get that from my father who reacted as such with me when I was growing up. 

 

I find myself constantly looking around for the next milestone or goal that I need to achieve.  I want to be working towards something.  It doesn’t seem to be very rewarding lately.  I think it keeps me sane to have goals and a general direction, but it also constantly leaves me feeling restless and not quite able to sit and enjoy the moment. 

 

Why do I have to decide if I want to manage my brain with drugs or with other granola remedies.  How much deep breathing and exercising equals one happy pill?  At what point does my stubborn, “I can do this” attitude take away from my quality of life?  How much should I have to struggle to have a quiet brain once in a while?  When I feel like I have to call someone, anyone and talk to them about anything and everything or I might burst because my thoughts are racing and my chest is tight and I feel so alone in the miserable prison that is my mind sometimes… those are the days a little pretty white pill saves my sanity.

 

Will I ever be the solid partner that I want to be?  Am I a solid partner now but I am too self-deprecating to realize it?  Can I really give my all to a relationship when I spend half my time just trying to keep all my pieces together?  Is giving all of myself a good thing when it includes all the bad stuff along with all the good stuff?  Am I more successful in the end if I hold back and only give a portion of myself?  Does my “good” really outweigh my “bad”? 

 

Am I totally missing the boat on all the great stuff that my 30’s is supposed to be about because I am so introspective with my worries right now?  Am I the only one that sits around thinking about this crap?  Is this a third-life crisis? 

 

Sigh…   

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