Bridesmaid Contracts…

This morning on the long ride into work I heard about this bizarre story about brides having their bridesmaids sign contracts.  See sample here: Sample Bridesmaid Contract.  Now, I will start off by saying I am not now, nor have I ever been married.  Now, come one… really?  You want someone to share in this super special day to start your life with the man of your dreams (who is not signing a contract by the way) and you want them to agree not to gain weight? 

What the hell.  If I can’t celebrate with my engaged friends with too much wine, cheese and chocolate… for like 9 -12 months of engagement bliss then I don’t understand what’s the point of being engaged.  Isn’t it so you can dance around and show off your super sparkly bling and kill time until the location of your dreams becomes available and the dress you can afford goes on sale?  Maybe I’m missing the boat.

If someone is that worried about how their bridesmaids will appear on their wedding day, then hire models.  You know, the people that are paid day to day to dress a certain way, maintain their weight and hairstyle with bizarre diets and 8,000 situps in the morning.  Or, don’t have any bridesmaids at all and just photoshop some pictures in later.  Even better, just elope. No pictures, no bridesmaids… just you, your hubby to be and elvis.  Uh huh.

If I were to be a bridesmaid for a friend who wanted me to sign a contract, I’m pretty sure I would then ask her to sign a contract nullifying the contract I just had to sign.  I’m already agreeing to wear a dress that you pick out, in a color and style you like, dance with a guy I probably would never even acknowledge in real life, smile like an idiot in 782 pictures, squeel and toast to you about 37 times during a dinner with too small portions and still buy you some sort of wedding gift.  Really. 

Now, because there is a possibility I could get married in the future I tried to imagine what a bridesmaid could possibly do that would have me sitting there as I’m saying my vows thinking, “damnit, if only I’d had her sign a contract she would be….”  What?  If at the point of saying my vows I am thinking of anything besides things like, “I’m so lucky, I’m glad I have waterproof mascara, I hope my family is heaven is watching down on us, Why is this dress so tight, OMG my nerves are bad I hope I don’t fart when I say I do”… then I shouldn’t be marrying this guy anyways.

If I’m more worried about pictures than the actual ceremony and the meaning of it all… there is a place for that.  It’s called glamour shots.  It’s called getting drunk and dressed up, posing for pictures, listing yourself as married on facebook and posting them.  That makes it almost real life anyways and if you don’t like how it turned out you can deactivate that account, get a new email, new alias, new friends and dresses and start over.

I will be damn excited to get married one day.  If I do happen to ask one of you {my dear friends who read my blogs so I don’t have to repeat myself in person — I’m lazy –}… just know that I truly want to eat cheese, drink wine, wave my ring around until everyone is blinded with the sparkles and wait for my dress to go on sale.  I will not be expecting you to lose weight or maintain.  In fact if you want to gain weight, that’s cool too.  You can just tell me you’re doing it to make me feel better about all the weekend cake testing I signed myself up for.  THAT’s what good friends do.

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