We are entitled to do the dreaming…

… not to have them come true…that part is up to us.

That part is up to me.

I read that on one of my favorite blogs this morning (www.curlygirldesign.com/blog) and it totally spoke to me.  So much so, that I had to share it. 

I’ve been struggling lately.  I’ve been (attempting) to deal with anxiety and panic attacks for the last month or so. That (less than successful) effort has left me feeling oppressed and suffocated.  I find myself stopping to take a big breath and it feels so good I have to wonder when the last time I bothered to actually breath was.  Then I get dragged back into the fray and forget to breath again. 

Everything comes a little easier when your soul is happier.  When the depths of your being is light-footed and frolicking, everything looks, feels, smells, and tastes better.  It is a feeling that sometimes I take for granted.  Especially during times of turbulence when I feel like I will never feel frolicky again (sounds dramatic to me to write that out loud, but so true). 

It is hard to not wallow in a little pity and think, “what’s wrong with me?”, “why can’t I fix this?”, “why aren’t I strong enough?”.  I am logically well-aware that this kind of thinking does -.07% bit of good towards improving the situation, however when you’re already feeling a fondness towards drudgery and struggle… it is these thoughts and emotions that flow easily in and out through my mind and body. 

Where are the, “zippity doo dah”, “life is great”, “just do it” attitudes and thoughts that I feel when I’m rising above all this negative weight?  No, seriously… where do they go?  On a vacation to somewhere a lot more positive and relaxing, I’m quite sure.  I do try on these thoughts during heightened times of struggle and strut around in them, hoping to “fake it until I make it”.  Sometimes though, they just don’t really shine down or touch the ball of black unrest sitting heavy in my chest.  They kinda float around it, wishing it away… with no luck. (In my mind I am picturing scenes from Harry Potter including wands and sorcery…)

Logically I know it will get better.  I also logically know (but am having a hard time accepting) that sometimes a person just can’t fix it all by themselves and they need help.  I’m working on getting to that place of acceptance (before I need to be carried there). 

I need the yin to make me yang.  I need to take the un- out of my unbalanced.  I need the room to stretch all this out, shake it all off and get the ol’ giddy-meter flowing again. I have never been luckier, happier or more in the right place at the right time in my life… and damned if I’m not going to enjoy it because I’m too stubborn to stop attempting to get my shit together long enough… to actually get my shit together.

Boom. <– that’s for Joni.




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