Looking forward

December of 2012 brought about some pivotal moments for me personally, spiritually and physically.  These accumulated and imploded during the last month of the year.  For the last 6 weeks or so I’ve been in constant inner struggle to manage anxiety and panic disorders that were trying desperately to take control.

As the month/year came to a close I finally I started taking medicine for my anxiety. I’ve managed my anxiety and panic off and on with medication since 19 when I was diagnosed with the disorder(s).  Sometimes it’s good.  Other times it is bad.  The good comes and goes like a Lamb.  The bad bounds in like a rabid, starved, half mad and hormonal Lion.

Luckily I reached out for help just in time, I was physically and mentally exhausted from trying to keep my shit together for a month and was starting to slip into depression as well. After some self-coaching and inner pep talks, I started the medicine on Saturday and am already feeling a little relief.  I’m hoping for some more improvement in the coming weeks.

In combination with the medicine, I’ve also started flexing my faith-muscles and working on making them stronger.  During some of the soul searching that happened during the last month, and during some well-timed conversations (luckily for me I was open-minded enough to take the hint), I realized that I in fact had a giant hole or lack of faith. I can’t quite explain it but once I recognized that hole, acknowledged it and then did some praying, soul searching, sermon listening and attending church for the first time in YEARS… I feel like I filled it a little already.

I was amazed not only be the support and encouragement I received from family and friends, but most importantly the support I got from Jason.  It wasn’t just a meek attempt at support either, we had some of the deepest conversations about faith and belief than I ever thought we would have.  It really put my mind at ease and filled my heart with more love than I thought possible for this guy who is so much more than he appears, and he already appears to be so much.  I’m a lucky girl to be able to share the good, bad and everything in between with him.

The thing I am most surprised about (that I also am embarrassed I didn’t know before AND that Jason pointed out right away also) is that some really great sermons have to do with all the lessons, guides and tools for a good… no… great life that are in the Bible.  Not only is so much of the content totally relevant and positive, but the right presenter of the sermon can really touch you from the fingers to the toes of your faith.  It has given me so much to think about and has given me some perspective and peace about a few things already.  My hope for 2013 is to build a stronger faith-life with the whole-hearted belief that it can only improve me as an individual, which will in turn improve my interactions and hopefully add to the experience of those around me.

The tag team of chemically balancing pretty little yellow pills and some purposeful prayers will improve my sanity 10-fold and free up a lot of my mental and physical time to more enjoyable things in life.

Bring it on… 2013.  I’m looking forward to it.


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