There were many (many, many) times in my life before I met Jason when I would see couples that seemed so happy, sure, secure and in love… and I would think one of two things:
1) HOW DO THEY KNOW? How do they know they have found “the one”? How did they go from “Hello” to “OMG let’s get married”?
2) They are purely delusional. They have settled in some way and are convincing themselves they are happy. Those poor deceived fools… tsk tsk.
The answer to the first one that I got back then was always, “when you meet the right person, you just know!”. That is such crap. At least when you don’t “know” that is. If you haven’t found your person, you don’t know what you don’t know. You find someone and have a tingly sensation and think, “oooohhhhhh… is that the “knowing?”. Nope, stomach flu. Weird. Then that repeats itself over. and over. and over again. Every time some love struck friend tells you to “stop looking” so you can find your person, and you will “know” when you find them. It just all sounds so passive to the person looking for love. Real love, not hot and heavy 2 minutes and cross your fingers for a call back love. I want to find love, smack it over the head, drag it back to my
cave home and be done with it. As you may have guessed, I’m not a dainty passive flower.
Then, I found Jason. I was almost in disbelief when I knew that I “knew”. It seemed so simple. Literally, SO SIMPLE. You meet your person and even during the worst of moments when you are in tears and super frustrated, you are frustrated with your frustration, the situation, your person, your uterus, etc. Not your choice of spending every moment loving them, frustrations and angry uterus and all! You look at them and think, “Damn, I’m lucky”. You find yourself planning for things years away. YEARS! Who does that? I couldn’t even plan 1 date a few years ago.
All this has lead me to a couple conclusions.
1) You do know when you know. But since you don’t know what you don’t know, until you know. You are pretty much screwed until you know. So just sit back, relax and enjoy the not knowing. I had a friend tell me once some of the best advice ever. She said, “Let’s say you are meant to meet your person in 6 months from now… when you find your person, would you rather look back at the last 6 months and think about all the fun you had enjoying “you” and your time, exploring your hobbies, becoming the best other half you can be? Or look back and think you could have used a higher dosage of prozac and less chocolate/ice cream/wine coping skills?” — Okay, so I added a little flair to her advice, but the meaning is the same. Once you know, you will know FOR-EV-ER. So, enjoy the un-known.
2) Some of those people are in fact delusional. Hence a high divorce rate. Also so many rehab facilities and 12 step programs. However, the crazy ones kinda have that look about them, you know the one. However some of them truly are that unbelievably happy. They know how annoying that is. They can’t contain it. It just kinda oozes out. Leave them be to their oozy knowing.
I’m happy that I found my knowing when I found Jason. I’m happy I didn’t get in my own way. Mainly I’m happy that things do in fact happen for a reason. I don’t know if God in fact blessed the broken road that lead me to Jason, or if I took a sledge hammer to a perfectly good road that was always leading to Jason, but in my semi-crazed mission to speed it up may have given myself a good “adventure” or “opportunities for improvement” along the way.
There are times I look at him and my heart is so full of love, possibility, hope and trust that I feel like it will burst out of my chest. There are also still times (usual uterus related) when I want to rip his heart out of his chest for him. But, I’m pretty sure that’s what makes Love exciting.
I’m excited for our journey together. Excited for a wedding, joining of family, part-ay with friends, continuing a life together with new titles (hopefully some kind of raise is involved) and experiencing Jason, his son and everything that will be our lives, for-ev-er. Hopefully we will enjoy more of the richer than the poorer, health over sickness, and not so much of the death. Hopefully we will practice patience and kindness, and my greatest measure of success will be years from now if we can still manage to do really special things for each other that make other people wonder either how we “know” or why we are so delusional.