My past of Valentine’s Days could be given the title, “The Great Depression”, “The Witless Wonder”, “That F*er M*er has Money for Video Games but not Flowers, Part 2”. There has been the last minute ditch attempts to round up Walgreens goodies and spread them out in front of me. It is done with flair as if the plan the entire time was to wait until I was inches away from cutting off his balls with a rusty razor blade before deciding to run to the dearest store and get whatever they had in stock. I remember the year I got a hand-made card. I know I am sounding petty, but let’s take into account the following:
1) If you are going to give a handmade card, at least find something besides notebook paper to put it on
2) Make sure you can spell better than a 3rd grader
3) Make sure you can draw better than a 3rd grader
4) Do not strut like a proud peacock when presenting said card, more grovel for forgiveness and offer it as a peace offering
5) If you are a functioning adult, save 2.99 and buy a f*ing card
6) News flash, you have a whole year to save up. If you saved .01 a day, you could buy a card
7) Saying you don’t believe in Valentine’s to make up for your crappy card. Saying that really just translates to you being cheap, lazy and inconsiderate. And if you don’t believe in Valentine’s, then I don’t believe in sex. See how long you stand by that decision… bucko
This Valentine’s is the one that put all my past ones to shame. I hope my ex-valentine’s felt a little wave of shame yesterday, they probably attributed it to whatever a-holish thing they were doing in the present-time, but it was really the wave of shame rippling through the universe. Maybe that’s a bit drastic, but you get the point.
My boyfriend was telling me I would get my Valentine’s on Valentine’s Day. I know we have been trying to be frugal with money so I went the route of buying cards for him and his son, candy and a little photo book of important people and events that I had taken and photos that I had found in their stash. It wasn’t much, but it was very “me” and I was happy with my gift. I wasn’t sure if he knew the importance of getting me at least a card for Valentine’s day, so while we were walking past a Valentine’s card aisle in a store I turned to him and said, “If I don’t get a Valentine’s card from you, I’m going to cut one of your nuts off”. He replied (with a sigh), “Great”.
I knew I was going over there for dinner last night, so I had low expectations for the actual ‘day’ part of Valentine’s Day. When I was told I had a package at the front, I skipped up there expecting the customary gift of flowers from my father. Instead I find a ridiculously beautiful, large arrangement of flowers and chocolates. From my boyfriend. I think I grinned from ear to ear for a good 3 hours after that. He even professed his love on the card. Very brave and smart. I said out loud in my cube (much to my cube neighbor’s embarrassment), “I will be thanking him for this tonight”. Yup, I meant exactly what you think I meant. Positive reinforcement is key, at any age.
I followed up the day with a trip to his house where we exchanged my valentines and then he proceeded to cook steaks for dinner, brought me a nice bottle of wine, and his son prepared us (microwaved) brownies topped with ice cream. Really, I’m not quite sure I could have asked for anything more. But, I don’t believe in setting the bar low, so maybe next year I’ll get a pony, with flowers on it. Or at least suggest it. Then the extravagant bouquet again will seem practical… in comparison.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
How can you hate a day that involves so much chocolate? You can’t.