Poem – Note to myself 

During my retreat to Orlando this past weekend with some visionary and amazing ladies, I was asked to write a love note to myself. What felt right for me was a poem. Though I don’t normally write poetry, I’m quite infatuated with it and wanted to share, because when I was done it didn’t feel like it was just for me – but for anyone and everyone.

 

Dear one,

You have always been joyous and free

It is YOU, who were meant to be

Born a wild and wonderful child of the sea

 

Waves have rocked and shaped you

Stars have guided you

Winds have kept your navigation sure and true

 

Through mighty storms and disastrous droughts

You’ve always known what this world was about

Which is making sure your insides shine OUT

 

Giving to others the gifts that they need

To ensure, that though they might cut open and bleed

It was only the promise of hope, that was planted there as a seed

 

Love comes bursting from your heart

Your life is your art

Never doubt you were created perfect, right from the start

 

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We are entitled to do the dreaming…

… not to have them come true…that part is up to us.

That part is up to me.

I read that on one of my favorite blogs this morning (www.curlygirldesign.com/blog) and it totally spoke to me.  So much so, that I had to share it. 

I’ve been struggling lately.  I’ve been (attempting) to deal with anxiety and panic attacks for the last month or so. That (less than successful) effort has left me feeling oppressed and suffocated.  I find myself stopping to take a big breath and it feels so good I have to wonder when the last time I bothered to actually breath was.  Then I get dragged back into the fray and forget to breath again. 

Everything comes a little easier when your soul is happier.  When the depths of your being is light-footed and frolicking, everything looks, feels, smells, and tastes better.  It is a feeling that sometimes I take for granted.  Especially during times of turbulence when I feel like I will never feel frolicky again (sounds dramatic to me to write that out loud, but so true). 

It is hard to not wallow in a little pity and think, “what’s wrong with me?”, “why can’t I fix this?”, “why aren’t I strong enough?”.  I am logically well-aware that this kind of thinking does -.07% bit of good towards improving the situation, however when you’re already feeling a fondness towards drudgery and struggle… it is these thoughts and emotions that flow easily in and out through my mind and body. 

Where are the, “zippity doo dah”, “life is great”, “just do it” attitudes and thoughts that I feel when I’m rising above all this negative weight?  No, seriously… where do they go?  On a vacation to somewhere a lot more positive and relaxing, I’m quite sure.  I do try on these thoughts during heightened times of struggle and strut around in them, hoping to “fake it until I make it”.  Sometimes though, they just don’t really shine down or touch the ball of black unrest sitting heavy in my chest.  They kinda float around it, wishing it away… with no luck. (In my mind I am picturing scenes from Harry Potter including wands and sorcery…)

Logically I know it will get better.  I also logically know (but am having a hard time accepting) that sometimes a person just can’t fix it all by themselves and they need help.  I’m working on getting to that place of acceptance (before I need to be carried there). 

I need the yin to make me yang.  I need to take the un- out of my unbalanced.  I need the room to stretch all this out, shake it all off and get the ol’ giddy-meter flowing again. I have never been luckier, happier or more in the right place at the right time in my life… and damned if I’m not going to enjoy it because I’m too stubborn to stop attempting to get my shit together long enough… to actually get my shit together.

Boom. <– that’s for Joni.

 

 

Valentine’s

My past of Valentine’s Days could be given the title, “The Great Depression”, “The Witless Wonder”, “That F*er M*er has Money for Video Games but not Flowers, Part 2”.  There has been the last minute ditch attempts to round up Walgreens goodies and spread them out in front of me.  It is done with flair as if the plan the entire time was to wait until I was inches away from cutting off his balls with a rusty razor blade before deciding to run to the dearest store and get whatever they had in stock.  I remember the year I got a hand-made card.  I know I am sounding petty, but let’s take into account the following:

1)      If you are going to give a handmade card, at least find something besides notebook paper to put it on
2)      Make sure you can spell better than a 3rd grader
3)      Make sure you can draw better than a 3rd grader
4)      Do not strut like a proud peacock when presenting said card, more grovel for forgiveness and offer it as a peace offering
5)      If you are a functioning adult, save 2.99 and buy a f*ing card
6)      News flash, you have a whole year to save up.  If you saved .01 a day, you could buy a card
7)      Saying you don’t believe in Valentine’s to make up for your crappy card.  Saying that really just translates to you being cheap, lazy and inconsiderate.  And if you don’t believe in Valentine’s, then I don’t believe in sex.  See how long you stand by that decision… bucko

This Valentine’s is the one that put all my past ones to shame.  I hope my ex-valentine’s felt a little wave of shame yesterday, they probably attributed it to whatever a-holish thing they were doing in the present-time, but it was really the wave of shame rippling through the universe.  Maybe that’s a bit drastic, but you get the point.

My boyfriend was telling me I would get my Valentine’s on Valentine’s Day.  I know we have been trying to be frugal with money so I went the route of buying cards for him and his son, candy and a little photo book of important people and events that I had taken and photos that I had found in their stash.  It wasn’t much, but it was very “me” and I was happy with my gift.  I wasn’t sure if he knew the importance of getting me at least a card for Valentine’s day, so while we were walking past a Valentine’s card aisle in a store I turned to him and said, “If I don’t get a Valentine’s card from you, I’m going to cut one of your nuts off”.  He replied (with a sigh), “Great”. 

I knew I was going over there for dinner last night, so I had low expectations for the actual ‘day’ part of Valentine’s Day.  When I was told I had a package at the front, I skipped up there expecting the customary gift of flowers from my father.  Instead I find a ridiculously beautiful, large arrangement of flowers and chocolates.  From my boyfriend.  I think I grinned from ear to ear for a good 3 hours after that.  He even professed his love on the card.  Very brave and smart.  I said out loud in my cube (much to my cube neighbor’s embarrassment), “I will be thanking him for this tonight”.  Yup, I meant exactly what you think I meant.  Positive reinforcement is key, at any age.

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I followed up the day with a trip to his house where we exchanged my valentines and then he proceeded to cook steaks for dinner, brought me a nice bottle of wine, and his son prepared us (microwaved) brownies topped with ice cream.  Really, I’m not quite sure I could have asked for anything more.  But, I don’t believe in setting the bar low, so maybe next year I’ll get a pony, with flowers on it.  Or at least suggest it.  Then the extravagant bouquet again will seem practical… in comparison.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

How can you hate a day that involves so much chocolate?  You can’t.